What are your triggers?

This morning, I had a dream where my ex-husband was about ready to cheat on me with someone else. He told me flat out he wanted to be in a relationship with her, and have a threesome with her and I. I was appalled, heartbroken, and disgusted. I walked around in a city I didn’t know, crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself because I had no idea what I was going to do with myself from there.

I woke up with a tension headache and feeling sorry for myself, sad, and alone. I’m still feeling that way an hour later, and I hate the feeling because I’m not even with him any more. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way for so long, but I’m so used to lingering in these feelings that it’s easier to just let them stay than to deal with them.

My failed relationship with my husband saddens and disgusts me every time I think about it. The relationship turned into an abusive one in the end, and I’m ashamed of myself when I think about it because I think of the should’ves, would’ves, could’ves.

But I’m deciding to not fall into this trap any more.

What I know right now is that if I linger in these feelings, I’m going to feel this way most of the day. I won’t take the time to enjoy the day or enjoy the company of those around me. It’s going to turn into a self-destructive cycle and I’m going to want to cut myself again. 

Now the question is, what do I do?

The only thing I know what to do right now is ask myself questions. Questions like “Why did this dream make me feel the way I do even though I’m not with my husband anymore?” “Why did this dream even come up?” “Why did I feel the way I did in the dream?” “What was it about my husband’s behavior that made me act the way I did in the dream?”

The list goes on and on of things I could ask myself. I hope this makes sense to you because I want you to ask yourself the next time you have something trigger you “what do I feel right now about what just triggered me?” Are you aware of what triggers you and when it does?

Think about it if you can. I realize that it can be hard. Just try it once and see how it turns out. You might find out more about yourself if you can do it.

Advertisements

What IS Borderline Personality Disorder, exactly?

This is a hard, yet easy question to address because there’s so much information on the matter. Add to the fact that BPD has a lot of stigma attached to it and it leaves a whole mess of confusion.

Basically, BPD is a mood and personality disorder that causes instability. It causes instability in relationships, risk taking, impulsivity, and general decision making. Since it’s a personality disorder, it leaves people who suffer from it not really having a sense of themselves, instead resorting to feelings of worthlessness. BPD sufferers have a tendency to self-harm repetitively.

Studies show that there isn’t an exact cause of BPD in people. However, people who have BPD have a history of being abused or have a family member that suffers from it.

There is no “cure” for BPD. It can only be treated and the symptoms can be alleviated through therapy and medication. It’s possible to curb the symptoms entirely, but it never goes away completely for people.

If you want more info, the Wikipedia article on BPD is a great place to start.

Welcome to the Blogosphere

Welcome! I’m very happy you’re reading this blog. It means that I’m not alone.

You can call me Emily. I’m 25 years old and live in the American Southwest. This year I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have Major Depression Disorder (MDD) in conjunction with these things. Right now, I’m going to focus on my BPD.

It feels like I have been dealing with BPD forever. I’ve led a very unhappy, unfulfilling life. I was abused by my parents, bullied by my peers, and ignored by my siblings. I took this into my adult life and ended up in two abusive relationships and being raped. I’ve decided that enough was enough and I’m going to change my life for the better. For years I’ve been depressed and had issues, but no one concretely diagnosed me with anything until I wound up in the psychiatric ward at my local hospital.

After my diagnosis, I looked online for information about BPD, how it’s diagnosed, treatment options, so on and so on. I’m in therapy right now, but it doesn’t focus on DBT. Instead, I’m going to receive EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) for my PTSD and use CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for my BPD. Together, I’m hoping these resources, my therapist, and my meds finally help me reclaim a life for myself.

But this still doesn’t answer the question of why I’m writing this blog.

I feel like a lot of sites from people that are into self improvement are in such grandiose places that I feel like I can’t ever be like them. They’re international superstars and can charge money to give self-esteem boosters. I don’t think that should be the case for people. I imagine and I feel that a lot of people are in my shoes. There’s people who can’t afford to pay the superstars for their secrets, and people who are afraid to take the advice from these people because it creates shame and guilt in not being someone they can, should, would be, etc.

I want to give people a resource that doesn’t require anything but the desire to change. And I want to be able to document my own changes from someone who has had very little time to have the BPD issues be addressed. At the end, I’m hoping that I’m a different person, but for the better. And I hope you are too.

If you’ve read this, thank you. Thank you for starting this journey with me.