This morning, I had a dream where my ex-husband was about ready to cheat on me with someone else. He told me flat out he wanted to be in a relationship with her, and have a threesome with her and I. I was appalled, heartbroken, and disgusted. I walked around in a city I didn’t know, crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself because I had no idea what I was going to do with myself from there.
I woke up with a tension headache and feeling sorry for myself, sad, and alone. I’m still feeling that way an hour later, and I hate the feeling because I’m not even with him any more. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way for so long, but I’m so used to lingering in these feelings that it’s easier to just let them stay than to deal with them.
My failed relationship with my husband saddens and disgusts me every time I think about it. The relationship turned into an abusive one in the end, and I’m ashamed of myself when I think about it because I think of the should’ves, would’ves, could’ves.
But I’m deciding to not fall into this trap any more.
What I know right now is that if I linger in these feelings, I’m going to feel this way most of the day. I won’t take the time to enjoy the day or enjoy the company of those around me. It’s going to turn into a self-destructive cycle and I’m going to want to cut myself again.
Now the question is, what do I do?
The only thing I know what to do right now is ask myself questions. Questions like “Why did this dream make me feel the way I do even though I’m not with my husband anymore?” “Why did this dream even come up?” “Why did I feel the way I did in the dream?” “What was it about my husband’s behavior that made me act the way I did in the dream?”
The list goes on and on of things I could ask myself. I hope this makes sense to you because I want you to ask yourself the next time you have something trigger you “what do I feel right now about what just triggered me?” Are you aware of what triggers you and when it does?
Think about it if you can. I realize that it can be hard. Just try it once and see how it turns out. You might find out more about yourself if you can do it.