Tag Archives: triggers

Vrai Ou Faux?

I apologize for the French; I’ve been in a mood where all I want to do is learn French lately.

Today’s blog post title is translated into “True or False?” I’m choosing to write about this because for my entire life, I’ve had a hard time with putting too much trust into people. As a child, I put too much trust into my first step-father, and it ended up with me being molested at six years old to the time I was 12. This summer, I cast fate to the wind with several very unusual people and ended up being raped after I drank three Long Island Iced Teas at the bar and overcame my fear of singing.

Do you feel scared to trust others?

I know I do. Half the time, I push away the people that mean well and bring in the people who want to do harm. It’s left me with the rocky relationships I’ve had in my adult life, and it continues to plague me to this very second. A little while ago, I just put some monetary resources into a money hoarding scheme, thinking I could be a part of getting the money and never having to worry about where my food comes from again.

Am I going to worry about it and not fight for my money back? No. I’m going to call once I meet the requirements and get my goddamn refund, because who wants to let them have what they want?

How do you do that? How do you build up the courage to do something about it without having it eat you alive?

This question is extremely hard for me to answer because everyone is different. Even though I say what I say, it won’t work for everyone. But what works for me is using my anger to propel me forward, and channeling it into a funnel that motivates me to do what I should do. In this case, I’m angry that I got ripped off. Instead of doing what instinct wants me to do, which is to lash out at everyone around me and not fight back at what took my money, I’m going to do the opposite and not only get my money back, but take with me that hare-brained schemes shouldn’t be trusted.

The biggest part in all of this is that you have to admit you got bit by the snake. I got bitten by the snake, and I got bit hard. The snake isn’t poisonous at all, it’s just painful to have fangs digging into your epidermis. And if this analogy could be taken literally, my lower legs would be scarred severely with indents from snake bites.

I’m not ready to be forceful, or do “what’s right”.

And you know what the beauty of everything is?

That it’s okay if you aren’t. There is no one right or wrong thing to do. If someone didn’t want to get their money back from the same thing I got ripped off from, then that’s okay because that’s their decision. The important thing is doing what makes you comfortable and happy.

Happiness is the one true thing you should strive for. Do what makes you happy or most comfortable. I want you to be happy.


Trauma and EMDR, Part 1

Tonight I had my weekly therapy session with my therapist. I also had my very first session with EMDR therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing therapy. While I’ll be happy once seeing the speeding blue dots fade from my vision and my eyes stop wanting to follow moving lights, I’m sad my almost two hour long session couldn’t be longer!

Here’s why:

EMDR is a psychotherapy treatment that’s meant to target psychological barriers, terrors, whatever you might call those nasty little critters in your head that have impacted you negatively, and uses a light bar technique that requires you to follow a trail of lit up dots at various speeds with just your eyes. The therapist is supposed to take you through your past, present, and the future to analyze bad thoughts and to instill new ones. It goes through several phases in a session and the client should be willing to open up and not judge emotions that arise.***

Why use it when I have Borderline Personality Disorder?

I believe that the main reason behind my gaining BPD is because I was abused a lot in my youth. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t all abuse because I was the baby in my family: I got to watch my cartoons 9 times out of 10, I got a lot of stuff at Christmas, I got to get out of doing chores until I was 9 or 10, and I could get away with throwing a temper tantrum most days. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I was being sexually molested by my step-father, my brothers and sisters picked on me and intentionally tried to mess around with me, and my mother would throw things, hit me, and do emotional manipulation on me whenever something she didn’t like happened.

It leaves a broken child receiving mixed messages. It’s like I received love and hatred at the same time.

During my EMDR session, I felt things I had almost never felt before. I was honing in on particular positive experiences in my life that my mind loves to gloss over, and it made me cry in happiness for the first time in my life. I relished in my memory with my ex-husband and the winter breezes. It took me to a dark descent into a fight with my step-mother I had last year, and that propelled me into an understanding that no, I’m not broken and that yes, my parents are. It’s not me that causes these sayings in my head, it’s my parents. My peers. People who don’t matter.

Who matters to you? What kind of memories have been popping up for you during the holidays? Are they positive or negative? Do they take you to the caves of despair that no one wants to go? Do they lift up your spirits and give you strength? Think about it for a little bit if you can. No one says you have to answer them tonight, tomorrow, or next week. But see if you can come up with something. You never know what you’ll surprise yourself with.

*** Some of my explanation of EMDR therapy definition comes from the EMDR Institute’s page. It helped me focus in more on details combined with my current therapy session, given that I’m writing this after I’ve taken my night medications! I will be writing a much more coherent post tomorrow.

What are your triggers?

This morning, I had a dream where my ex-husband was about ready to cheat on me with someone else. He told me flat out he wanted to be in a relationship with her, and have a threesome with her and I. I was appalled, heartbroken, and disgusted. I walked around in a city I didn’t know, crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for myself because I had no idea what I was going to do with myself from there.

I woke up with a tension headache and feeling sorry for myself, sad, and alone. I’m still feeling that way an hour later, and I hate the feeling because I’m not even with him any more. I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way for so long, but I’m so used to lingering in these feelings that it’s easier to just let them stay than to deal with them.

My failed relationship with my husband saddens and disgusts me every time I think about it. The relationship turned into an abusive one in the end, and I’m ashamed of myself when I think about it because I think of the should’ves, would’ves, could’ves.

But I’m deciding to not fall into this trap any more.

What I know right now is that if I linger in these feelings, I’m going to feel this way most of the day. I won’t take the time to enjoy the day or enjoy the company of those around me. It’s going to turn into a self-destructive cycle and I’m going to want to cut myself again. 

Now the question is, what do I do?

The only thing I know what to do right now is ask myself questions. Questions like “Why did this dream make me feel the way I do even though I’m not with my husband anymore?” “Why did this dream even come up?” “Why did I feel the way I did in the dream?” “What was it about my husband’s behavior that made me act the way I did in the dream?”

The list goes on and on of things I could ask myself. I hope this makes sense to you because I want you to ask yourself the next time you have something trigger you “what do I feel right now about what just triggered me?” Are you aware of what triggers you and when it does?

Think about it if you can. I realize that it can be hard. Just try it once and see how it turns out. You might find out more about yourself if you can do it.